Recently someone reminded me of an experience that I struggled with for a very long time (and would not be surprised to encounter it again sometime in the future). He spoke of the 'torment' of sensing imminent awareness of the reality of his true identity, but never being able to fully break through the veil of material illusion. My friend expressed a desire to either have this budding awareness leave him, or become fully conscious.
I could certainly sympathize, for the same frustration gave me much grief at one time in my life. I too had expressed that either/or demand. However, I also knew that once we achieve a glimmer of awareness of our true nature, there was no turning back.
The only comfort that I found from this situation was in coming to the perception that we are always perfection, but have become distracted from that awareness. Even the pursuit of that awareness is a distraction--therefore keeping us from the very intention of our effort. For me, when I involve myself in something that disengages that distraction--meditation (anything that relaxes me, brings me to my center)-I find the insight (and sense of my truest nature) returns.
"Happiness (or the sense of connection with all) is as a butterfly which, when pursued, is always beyond our grasp, but which if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you." --Nathaniel Hawthorne
The other thing I have found was that part of the problem was what I was using as proof of my progression. I assumed that increased awareness would make my life 'easier'. Instead, I realized that holding to that sense of connection (through day to day life) does not 'protect' me from the turmoil that life can be, but only gives me new perception about it (which often seems to reduce the impact and suffering resulting from any turmoil).
"After enlightenment, the laundry"--Zen Proverb
May you find a peaceful place to hold the awareness of the perfection that you are.
blessings and peace, my friends
Video below by Merhlin
The Lie of Our Imperfection - D. M. Ruiz, Carlos Nakai
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Celebrate What's Right in the World!!!